Transitions!

Transitions! Why are they so hard?

You would think one of them would be easier. But my child has a hard time during drop off AND pick up! Or, why do I have to tell you over and over again to clean up and get ready for dinner? These situations are very common and universal among children of a range of ages. While there can be a lot of underlying factors as to why certain transitions are difficult for certain children, overall, transitioning from one place to another, or from one activity to another, is tricky for most children.

Now imagine that you have a project due for work. You have been struggling to get in the groove for a few hours but finally had a breakthrough and have sat down to work on it. You know that it is going to only take you another hour or so. When suddenly… you need to pack up, it’s dinner time. Or, you have five more minutes, then it’s time to eat. But… I’m not hungry. I’m in the middle of something so important and I need to finish it!

Oftentimes, our children feel that way and their lack of control over their own schedules make them frustrated. The “play” that our children do, whether it is on the playground or at home, may seem like play to us, but to them it is “work”. That is the word we use in the classroom as well: the children are working or here is a new work. They are practicing and refining their senses and their skills. The free play with blocks at home may have an intricate pretend play behind it or may be satisfying their sense of order. The “one more time” on the slide may be because they want to practice climbing those steps. Their bodies and mind crave this work. They crave specific work at specific times. And they become upset when it is disturbed. For most of our children, there are multiple needs that are met when at school: the social need being a very important one. But all my friends are still playing! Imagine that the child is getting into the groove for a particular work project and is then interrupted.

So how do we balance the real world need for a schedule and transitions with the child’s need to work? Dinner cannot be kept hot and on the table until the child feels they are hungry. Clearly we need to make sure they are rested and fed as well, needs that they may not always realize!

There are two main guidelines for transitions: Give them control (or choice) over as much of the schedule as possible. And give them information about the parts that they cannot control.

Most weekends, our family informally discusses the day’s schedule with one another. We talk about any plans made, any free time we have, and when each of us will be free. It is important for children to get a sense of what the day will look like. This is where their input is great! Should we go outside in the morning and then bake after lunch? Or the other way around? These inputs and our weekend schedules might look a lot different post-pandemic. But for now, most of us have similar repeating activities to do together for many weekends to come. 😊 Children feel in control, safe and ownership over their lives when their input is asked.

When there is some free time before the next scheduled activity (dinner, bath, etc.), let the child know how much time they have. Since time is a tricky concept to measure, I like to translate it to something they would understand: You have time for a short activity right now, maybe looking at 1 or 2 books. We don’t have time for a long activity. So taking out the lego set may not be a good choice. In my house, this message almost always accompanies some information about my plan: I have a bit of work to do in the kitchen. But if you read one book on your own, I’ll be there for the second one. And then we have to get ready for dinner.

Letting your children know that it is almost time to wrap up is a good way to signal a transition is coming. Even after the signal, if the child has not finished cleaning up, offering to help and/or moving onto the next activity yourself lets the child know how urgent it is. While cleaning, we talk about the next activity, what I’m looking forward to and what we will be doing together. This is particularly useful when the next activity isn’t a favorite of the child.

Does the schedule change? Do we also have to teach them flexibility? Absolutely! When things change, drastically or at the last minute, I go back to the two things I mentioned above: Information and Input. I just found out that we won’t be able to go to the playdate! That is a bit frustrating for me because I was looking forward to seeing X. What else do you think we can do instead? I still want to have fun this afternoon.

Will all of these techniques mean that transition tantrums will not happen? Unfortunately, no. But when faced with one, I usually know that something else may be going on and that I’ve done my best to help the situation. Some of the constant “parent guilt” can be put to rest. After all, we are helping these young people become functioning, flexible adults, who will be faced with transitions for most of their lives.