Spiraling Out of Control!

Whenever I read about strategies around “tantrums” or what language to use when you want to calm down a child, I thought they were great and extremely helpful, just not when my child was having a moment. In the middle of the crying, screaming and other extreme behaviors, I was just not able to think of the perfect sentence or go through the list of strategies I should use. In fact, I was more likely to lose my cool, have all the strategies go out the window and later feel a bit guilty about saying and doing the wrong thing.

Being at school was completely different. When my sole job was to observe and guide children, I was able to recollect what I had been trained to do. However, at home, my mind would immediately jump to whether I would be encouraging these behaviors by giving in or figuring out how to put out the fire while trying to finish other things around the house. Probably the biggest issue I would have when dealing with these big emotions was to never seem as though I was “giving in”. I did not want to set a pattern or make my child think that this was a sure way of getting whatever they wanted.

Over the years, and with a lot of such moments to tackle, I realized that really stopping and trying not to react immediately was my best bet. A couple deep breaths made me keep my calm, even if it did not always lead me to come up with the magical sentences I read in books. I also came to realize that there are two types of big emotions: ones in which the child is in control of the behaviors/words and ones in which the child is not in control. And once I figured out which is which (or which one the child tends to display more often), I could figure out your next plan of action.

The emotions where the child seems to be in control are ones where the child is consciously testing to see whether they will get what they want. These are the situations in which you do not want to “give in”. When the immediate consequences are communicated clearly to the child, the child can stop the actions and words. “If you want to get extra play time today, you need to stop yelling right now.” The child is in complete control in this situation and can snap out of it. It was these types of “big emotions” that I was afraid of when trying to figure out my parenting strategies.

The emotions where the child does not seem to be in control are ones in which the child needs some calming down before anything else can be done or said. Lots of affection, hugs offered and for older children a simple “I love you so much. I’m here for you when you are ready” needs to be offered before you can talk to the child. If you try to explain or discuss with the child immediately, they are not able to understand and cannot respond in a positive manner. I like long hugs in this moment because it gives me some time to think while my child is calming down. But, before I start to think about deeper emotions or what I am going to say next, I first HALT! Sometimes the answer is simpler than I make it out to be. I ask myself whether the cause is Hunger, Anger, Loneliness or Tiredness (HALT!). Are there simpler needs of my child that need to be met? If yes, let me meet those needs before anything else.

In a calm moment, perhaps much later than the actual incident, I can sit with my child and talk about what happened. I like to hear the child’s perspective on three things: What happened earlier? Why did that happen? And how can things be fixed? These are moments when the child can think critically and rationally. By asking these questions, the child can practice critical thinking and decision making, another important executive functioning skill that they will work on, until early adulthood. These are the “teachable” moments that are mentioned in many books and parenting advice. The part to remember is that these moments can be removed from the actual “big emotion” moments. For younger children, they should be closer together to help them make the connection. But children as young as 5 can wait until a few hours later. In a different place and mindset, they can think and try to explain what happened. And the more you practice, the better it is for everyone!