Sorry, Not Sorry

A few weeks ago, we talked about not using the phrase “Good Job” at the school. Another phrase that you won’t hear very often is “Sorry!” Anytime that you do hear it, know that it was said with a genuine concern by the child, and often followed by specific actions.

Many times children see the word “Sorry” as magical, as something that will solve the problem, and that is all that is needed. Other times, you will have a child that will just refuse to say it. Awkward… especially in a social situation.

So what do you do when someone does something they are not supposed to do, causing some negative feelings in another friend?

It sounds cliché. But you sit everyone down and you talk about feelings. No really... both children sit down so that they are forced to stop moving and look at each other. They can take turns talking about what they were doing, what happened and how they felt when it did. For younger friends, keeping this short is always helpful. Sometimes, if there is a lot of talking, one or both of them will lose interest and move on. If both parties feel this way, it is ok to let things go. It is important to remember that not everything has to be a teachable moment.

However, if one child feels as though they are not heard, the other child should contribute solutions. “I just heard our friend say that they are sad. Is there something that you could do to make them feel better?” Acts of kindness help children think through what physical actions they can do to help a friend, who they may have wronged. Oftentimes the child also says sorry and if the situation is small, that may be enough to make amends.

But what if you say, “Is there something you can do to make things better?” is answered with “I don’t know, nothing” and walking away. While these situations are rare, this is where a forced “Sorry” is not the answer.

Our step at the school is to comfort the child who needs comforting, give them a solution and acknowledge “That wasn’t very kind was it. I think our friend is just learning how to be kind to others. What can I do to help you feel better?”

In this situation, the child refusing is probably working through some emotions of their own and might even feel “wronged” in some way. Keeping our own frustration at bay, checking in on this child in a bit will offer some insight to the behavior. “I saw that you had some trouble with your friend earlier, do you want to tell me something about it?” or even “What are you playing, can I join?” We want to make sure the child who refused to apologize does not feel as though they are being punished. We would like to make sure that they understand that their friend felt hurt and what the appropriate action should be.

This understanding may be done by direct conversation, modeling language and actions or even pointing out a situation in the near future when appropriate apologies and actions were taken.

Patterns of behavior or power struggles between specific children may need to be addressed differently. But fortunately for us, we have older children who set the tone and model how apologies are made at school. While it isn’t a linear process, instilling the practice of doing something to make things right, rather than only saying something, helps build our community of empathetic children.