How can I help?

Many of you responded to the previous post asking for a deep dive on communication. As this is such an important and broad topic, I will go into detail on a few different sub-topics and spread it out over the next few weeks. The other topic that was brought up was self-directed - engaged learning, which I will tackle next as well!

In this post I wanted to approach the topic of helping children communicate, specifically communicating emotions and helping with conflict management. While many of these strategies we discuss are applicable to a wide range of ages, most of what will be included in the communication deep dive will be for children above the age of 3.

To be able to discuss emotions, children need to have the vocabulary, beyond sad and happy. In the classroom, we help expand this vocabulary with all the activities, conversations, and books that we read together. We talk about the feelings of different characters from books or of what different peers may be feeling in certain situations. The teachers frequently say “Use your words” to help children explain an emotion and to give them an alternative to hands or their body. At home, books are a great way to teach children emotions: What do you think X is feeling right now? How can you tell? When do you feel Y? depending on the story.

Modeling is another great way to show children how to communicate emotions. Naming your own emotions, connecting it to your actions and helping them come up with a plan to make things better (if it is a negative emotions). Oftentimes children are not included in conversations about big emotions that adults feel. However, they should understand that they will feel something throughout their lives and making it ok. Grown-ups can feel angry at times and this is what they do when they feel that way.

Once they can name the emotion, my most favorite question to ask them is “How can I help?”. These four words help them understand that regardless of what they are feeling, the grown-up is on their team. However, the onus is on them to figure out what actions of the people around them will help them feel better. This question really pushes all of them to think through what to say next. Some common responses we hear are:

• “I don’t know.” We always respond to this with: Well, I am here if you need anything so let me know once you figure out what I can help with.
• “I need a hug.” This answer by the child shows that they realize and communicate that they need support and affection. Being able to ask that from people around them is particularly important, really throughout their lives. We always respond to this with: Of course!
• “I need you to help me talk to _____” Many of our older children realize that there is some conflict with a peer that needs adult intervention. This answer usually results in the teacher sitting down with all the parties involved and try to come up with a compromise.

Conflict management at school looks a lot different at school than it might at home. Many of our strategies are tied in with the Montessori environment that we build and may not be applicable, or practical at home. Parents often elicit extremely different emotional responses than children but thankfully they rarely have to manage 10+ children! Conflict management between siblings usually revolves around toys and books, at least at my house. We have a few guidelines that the older one has helped me put together. Then I rely on him to help to reinforce these for the two-year-old, with a lot of repetition and patience. If you ask for help putting away something, I will assume that you will also help put away something that you did not take out. If you take it out and stop playing with it, it is “up for grabs” by the sibling. While these are just examples of what works for us, I think having a set of “rules” for areas that are most contentious is a good place to start. Repeating these words often is the next step. Soon, the children will be able to say them to each other when necessary.

The one thing I have not tackled yet is “big emotions”. But that will be next because that happens often and at many different ages!